Recycling

Genuinely laughed-out-loud on the 0633 to London Bridge today, at this from one of the 'Adam & Joe' Twelve Podacsts Of Christmas:

Joe: "So, 'Nil By Mouth' - a real tour de force."

Adam (as Ray Winstone*): "Yeah, well I've always liked cycling, the bikes and all that, love it..."

I may have woken some people up with my guffawing. Sorry about that.

* because he had a cold, obviously

Danny Boy

If you don't already, I urge you to listen to the Danny Baker show on Five Live. Obviously 9-11 on a Saturday morning might not be amenable to most people, but the podcast doesn't half light up a grey drizzly February commute. Currently loving the Roman numeral footballers feature (VIDIC!) and of course the ever present 'Sausage Sandwich Game'. A couple of hours of irreverent fun of a vaguely sporting nature, all held together with Danny's infectious enthusiasm for the absurd. Worth checking out.

At Home With Fourstar

My good friend Alex recently posted the following question over at his blog:

What is your favorite "at home" phrase?

and it led me to think about the nonsense I spout on a semi-daily basis. Now I have distinctly different "at home" and "at work" phrases (as should everyone...) but for the purposes of this exercise, there is one Pharaoh of phrases, an Excalibur of exclamations, the Prince of proclamations, which is:

"Everyone's a winner, petit dejeuner"

Back in the heady days when I used to play sax in a touring soul covers band, we shared the stage with two of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. Tony (trombone) and Shaun (guitar) had known each other for years and had such a natural rapport they could easily have been working the clubs as a double act. They would have the tour bus in stitches at their tales of derring do and natural affinity for the absurd, which lifted the spirits of those humour-sapping drives across, say, for example, to pick somewhere totally at random, Lincolnshire.

However, whenever something went particularly well (which could be anything ranging from a well-paid gig in Dublin to a delicious sausage roll from a Sunderland truckstop), without fail Shaun would exclaim "Everyone's a winner!" always followed closely by Tony's rejoinder of "Petit dejeuner!".

Now quite why a French breakfast should be the epitome of delight for two jobbing musicians from York, I have no idea - and I'm not sure they did either. However, it stuck with me and to this day, when something goes well at work or at home, this is the line I come out with.

Grammar, We Love You

Scene: Sunday morning in a kitchen in SE6. A man is reading the newspaper and drinking a coffee. A small child in pyjamas enters.

"Daddy, we need to go to the shop."

"Oh, why's that Freyja?"

"Well, we don't have no apples."

"Right, we'd better do that later on then. By the way, it should really be 'We don't have ANY apples'"

"I know Daddy - that's why we need to go to the shop..."

I reckon she's got a future writing for Two Pints...

Raven Mad

One of the ravens at the Tower of London is called 'Thor'. That's pretty damned cool.

kottke: the most famous unkindness

However, another is called Colin. Not so much.

Pednatic To A Fault

I have a new favourite Wikipedia page (thanks, Doug)

Muphry's law

Muphry's Law also dictates that, if a mistake is as plain as the nose on your face, everyone can see it but you. Your readers will always notice errors in a title, in headings, in the first paragraph of anything, and in the top lines of a new page. These are the very places where authors, editors and proofreaders are most likely to make mistakes.

Four Local Gay Parrots Go For A Pint

More Mitchell & Webb genius (and splendidly on topic for my little corner of the blogosphere)

Overheard #87

A cricket match, just south of the M25:

"Middle please."
"Sorry?"
"Er, could I have middle stump please, Umpire?"
"Yes. It's about 3 feet to your left."

And that's for Dave, who subsequently bowled like a demon and nearly got a hat-trick (your fault, Lewis...)

Fifty Weeks Off

Having just got back , this really made me chuckle:

Chris Cleave: Down with the kids

Especially this bit:

"There is a dizzying array of choices but we usually opt for the activities in which we exchange our labour for money, which we find hypnotically calming. The long vacation days are so calming, in fact, that our 50 weeks of holiday can sometimes seem even longer."

Fry On Cricket

Simply wonderful.

Mr Stephen Fry: 14th July Speech at Lord's

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much indeed. It is an honour to stand before so many cricketing heroes from England and from Australia and at this, my favourite time of year. The time when that magical summer sound comes to our ears and gladdens our old hearts, the welcome sound of leather on Graham Swann..."

This Is Ian

Just an average Thursday, chez Antonia:

click to view

From the ever-wonderful 'Wondermark' by David Malki.

Overheard #80

This just in from one of our ever-vigilant field operatives:

"One woman's potato sack is another man's goddess…"

Overheard #79

Regarding shoes:

"I can't wear those; I'd look like a middle-aged goth at a barbecue"

Boom Boom

Haringey council has just rejected plans for the proposed new Spurs stadium on a local park. A spokesperson for the council said "It’s one thing having a funfair there twice a year, but a circus every fortnight is simply not acceptable”

I thang hew.

Back A Bit, Left A Bit

Everyone else has blogged this, so I am going to as well:

Awkward Family Photos

Which reminded me of Antonia, Ian and Esme's brilliant Wild West one, here.

Bono-etry In Motion

The Daily Mash is truly fantastic:

BONO TO CREATE BLACK HOLE OF AWFULNESS

Broadcasting regulator Ofcom said Radio Four's decision to air it in full was 'as reckless as using a threshing machine to brush your teeth'.

Four Once More (Slight Return)

Just catching up with Free Agents via 4oD last night when, just before the ad break, in comes personal fave 'Atlas' by Battles.

I am hereby happy to confirm that it is still officially genius and/or plain weird - as is Free Agents, as it happens. Mangan + Horgan + Head = Epic Win.

Social Schmocial

All true:

A Completely Unscientific
(Yet Accurate)
Look at Social Sites

No further comment; I'm AFK at the moment...

Love Is All Ar-ouch!

I really got the giggles reading this last night; I think the neighbours were worried for my safety:

"During a rehearsal of the Witches of Eastwick last week Marty Pellow walked on stage and hit his head on a misplaced metal strut. Cue blood and the poor chap becoming rather dazed. He said he couldn't feel his forehead and subsequently failed to see the funny side of a roadie asking:
"Can you feel it in your fingers? What about your toes?"

(from b3ta)

Bus (Reloaded)

b3ta does it again: Bus Slogan Generator

And here is my effort:

Age Before Beauty

Hugely addictive: http://howoldareyou.net/

(Yes, I am on there and no, I am not 57)

All Change

So that was fun.

A blog post every day in January, on the subject of 'Change' as per NaBloPoMo rules. You can see them all here (Fork Handles: Change) if you are still remotely interested. However, having got to the end of the month and only had to use my trusty backups of money and/or socks three times, I thought I'd treat you to some recently unearthed photographic evidence of how much I have changed in the last twenty years or so... *deep breath*


I think I was possibly a surly French exchange student in a previous life. And the hair...

Bin Done Before

This message box always gives me the soft, warm glow of recursive madness:

Do you have a favourite Microsoft message box? Why not keep that to yourself, they might send the men in white coats round (again).

And yes, that is Office 2002.

Yes, seven years ago.

I know, you'd think, wouldn't you?

Yes, in the thrusting financial centre of the City and everything.

But no, apparently not.

Darth, Like, Whatever

Some chap in Texas realised that his friend had never seen the Star Wars trilogy, but reckoned she knew enough of the plot to narrate it. Being a comic artist and animator, he then put this together, as you do:

The "counselor" (sic) and also the extended "Han/Hans" debate did make me chuckle :)

(via Neatorama)

Rafa Laffa

Great quote from the Liverpool boss responding to Demento's whinges about the fixture list:

There is another option - Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain."

Splendid stuff; just hope he hasn't peaked too soon and done a Keegan:



They didn't.

MacBook Wheel

This is amazing. Apple has introduced a revolutionary new laptop with no keyboard, based around the iPod 'click wheel' system of navigation. This could revolutionise the user interface as we know it:




Very good, Mr. Onion.

Jack It In

You can see why I may have found this funny:

Twenty Fork Handles

And on that little amuse bouche, I bid you goodnight; for Mister Father Christmas* flies tonight!

* (c) Freyja Sallie Lightly, 2008 -- she's awfully polite, dontchaknow...

To Both My Readers

SEASONAL GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious/secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009 of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms:

• This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
  
• It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
• It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of thewishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
• This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
• All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.

And on that note,I have a sleigh to catch; see you in the New Year!

Benny Who?

UPDATE: IT NOW SPEEDS THEM UP!!!!

It's a bit dark, but this makes me smile:

Freyja gets Benny Hillified

(and you too can 'Benny Hillify' any YouTube video here.

Make It Expensive

Solveig was going to add this to her Amazon basket; one of the options was somewhat less appealing!


Click to enlarge

Your Office Needs These

FAIL/WIN Stamps

Never let another FAIL or WIN go by unannounced in your world. Get this set of two self-inking stamps, one FAIL and one WIN. FAIL stamp is in bright red, WIN stamp is in black, both print in solid, all-caps Impact font. Both stamps are commercial, office-grade that require no ink pad and are good for hundreds of stampings (go wild!). Stamps print with a BY: and a DATE: field to show just who noticed this FAIL and WIN. Makes a satisfactory "ka-ching" noise when stamped. Each stamp produces an imprint 1.5 inches wide and 0.6 inch tall.

PythonTube

Brilliant idea. Who would have thought it, eh? Fans of your oeuvre might want a place to go to get high-quality versions of your archived work. Amazing. Yes, we might even click a few ads and buy a few DVDs, T-shirts and the like.

MontyPython's YouTube Channel

Now, if you wouldn't mind going and having a quiet word with the buffoons at the RIAA...

On Yer Bike

Say what you like about Clarkson, but he and I are in total agreement about the ridiculous world of the motorbike:

Jeremy Clarkson Vespa review

"What I’m trying to say here is that, yes, bikes and cars are both forms of transport, but they have nothing in common. Imagining that you can ride a bike because you can drive a car is like imagining you can swallow-dive off a 90ft cliff because you can play table tennis."

Rhapsody In Blue And White Stripes

Another fantastic Danny Baker moment - a version of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody with every word replaced by a footballer's name. Why? Just because. Listen:


Update: since I bothered to edit the MP3 down, there is now a YouTube version with video and everything:


All together now "Cousins Sealey Mathers ... Pugh Geeeeee".

Brilliant. People are staring at me in the office, chuckling like a simpleton.

At De End Of Der Day

This guy is hilarious, I really like 'Squeaky' Stevie G and the fact that it's apparently been recorded in Lidl:



Actually, Lidl sounds like it should be a Scouse dialect; perhaps a particularly obscure one from the less-leafy bits of Toxteth.

Eh, what's up with 'im? Calm down, he's just talking that Lidl (and that).

Dream Caused By The Flight Of A Bee Around A Lollipop?

I do love Danny Baker and catching up with his recent 606 podcast, hidden within a discussion about the wearing of an old Sheffield Wednesday shirt abroad, I was utterly astonished to find out that Salvador Dali designed the Chupa Chups logo:

Actually, so was Danny; he still wasn't buying it at the end of the show. Have a listen:


Excellent!

State Of Things

Following a random workplace discussion about potatoes*, I have recently discovered that Iowa's nickname is the Hawkeye State.

I had no idea they were so into their cricket; perhaps a potential venue for a GRACC tour?

ThankyouWembleyandgoodnight!

* marginally less depressing than the FTSE at the moment...

Era We Go Again

Barney Ronay on Arsenal's U-11s:

Is this the new Arsenal era era?

Very funny :)

As Broad As Its Long

My Man Stu^(TM) does it again

South Africa 83 all out (Broad 5-23, Flintoff 3-29)
England 85 for 0 (Prior 45)

Whilst admiring the young paceman's achievement, I was struck by the similarity of the following two pictures:

Oh, come on, let a chap have his day :))

Ken Lee

OK, I give up, failblog wins:


Tulibu dibu douchoo? Gesundheit!

Purl Pot?

Jaw droppingly, er, jaw dropping:

Knit Your Own Hitler

I really did like the comment from the Jewish Network though:

"You would hope people would have more sense than to take a cuddly Hitler into work."

Er, yes. Yes, you probably would. Wouldn't you? Yes.

(thanks, Urban Woo)

Comma Have A Go

This made me chuckle; perhaps I have found my superhero character of the future?


Click to enlarge
More of the same at the rut.

Twitter And Bisted

How very true:

(click to enlarge)

Copper Load Of That

Very nicely done:

The Ladybird Book of The Policeman

"This is Police Constable Brian Plectrum. He is the world's largest policeman. He is 66 feet tall. PC Plectrum often stands in the centre of London looking out for criminals. Sometimes a police helicopter will arrive to deliver sandwiches and wave hello."

Radio Four Was Invented In 1783 By A Greek Ornithologist Called Trevor

I just passed a very enjoyable half hour catching up with this David Mitchell-hosted comedy quiz,

Radio 4: The Unbelievable Truth

in which Lucy Porter was excellent on the gay mating habits of giraffes. Next week promises Adam Buxton, Ed Byrne, Lee Mack and Tim Vine; I shall prepare the needle and thread for my sides...

Bananas

Freyja is very funny at the moment. She especially likes (and gets the terrible giggles to) the song I sing when she brushes her teeth. Now this is not your regular classic Dad version of "This is the way we brush our teeth, brush our teeth, brush our teeth..." (repeat ad infinitum)

Hell no.

For some reason which currently eludes me but which I imagine I ought to think about, I have somehow led her to believe that teeth should be brushed to the strains of the Banana Splits theme tune:



So far, so great-fun-remember-it-well-happy-days-thanks-very-much. Ah, but wait, there's more. You see, I couldn't remember the words to the TV show theme tune so I just sung the the ones we used to sing at junior school. Which were ever so slightly rude...

And so now I have a dilemma - do I adapt the teeth-brushing song to reflect the actual TV theme tune words and risk Freyja noticing and refusing to brush her teeth ever again and costing me a fortune in dentistry bills? Or do I carry on in the vague hope that she is laughing too much to pick up on the puerile WWII era genitalia references?

Vote now, if the thingy wotsit below works. If it doesn't, just feel free to tarnish me as a terrible parent and go about your day:

Lord Bono Of The Sparkling Stream

I have nothing further to add:

ITTODBTBIA: Bono - Better Than Me

Humph

Obituary: Humphrey Lyttelton

Very sad. He was great.

Theo In Da Crib

Sorry, but after taking this just now:

I just couldn't resist:

Word to your mother, indeed.

Butter Cutter

Is it just me, or is there something decidedly exciting about cutting a fat slice of butter off a pack with the wrapper still on?

I am of course willing to accept that it might just be me. Sorry for your time. Carry on.

I Just Found My New Email Sig

A Bit Of A Push To Get Through In One Sitting*

One for Antonia's bookshelf. The reviews are, er, insightful:

Amazon Reviews for 'Penetrating Wagner's Ring' (Da Capo Paperback)

* yes, that was mine; I'm very very sorry...

Watch! The! Football!

There are some moderately important football matches being played this afternoon so I thought this might get us in the mood:



Up the Arsenal...

Another In The Series

I really might have to get this:

Fibonacci T-shirt

Geektastic!

Tache The Way Uh Huh, Uh Huh

This has Shengsters and G.R.A.C.C. written all over it.

Moustache Me

"What that advert needs is a good moustaching..."

The Bacon Cup

I have posted this mainly to make Antonia snigger, but also because you simply cannot have too much bacon:

Neatorama: The Bacon Cup
Obviously it should really have been bacon bowls (and then it's only a short step to pastrami plates, chorizo cups, salami saucers and mortadella mugs). You can stop sniggering now. No, you can.

UPDATE: It has just dawned on me that, over the pond, a 'cup' is the name they give to an 'abdominal protector' which, over here, we who play cricket call a 'box'. So it is in fact a Bacon Box. That's just awesome. And soon to be an officially-endorsed G.R.A.C.C. product, if I have my way...

Sack The Cat

This has been well broadcast around the blogosphere but I thought I'd link to it anyway, because it made me laugh :)

garfield minus garfield

"Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb."

Winner Takes All(en)?

Missed 'Lily Allen and Friends'? Regrettably not.

BBC3 - new look, new schedule. One headline-grabbing part of which is the aforementioned so-called chat show; could we have a new Parky for the MyFaceBebook generation? No, I'm sorry; it was utter shite. That's 42'25" of my life I will never get back. Apparently, ~50 audience members walked out of the recording - what, not all of them? Was there something wrong with their legs? Good grief.

Whilst I have previously admitted that she can just about hold a tune and, to be fair, does capture a certain element of the modern LDN zeitgeist, she's no Russell Harty. The most entertaining bit (and stay with me here) was when she asked her interviewee if he had ever thought of calling his child "Cuba Gooding Junior, Junior" and proceeded to get the giggles. Yes, that was the funniest bit. Please make it stop...

(On another note, in that ad up there for BBC iPlayer, hasn't she been Photoshopped to within an inch of an ungodly, if somewhat intriguing, liaison of Anna Friel and Natalie Imbruglia? Anyone? Bueller?)

Your Face, My Sleeve

I'm a bit late to the party on this, but only because I was debating which one I was actually going to do:

sleeveface

"one or more persons obscuring or
augmenting any part of their body or bodies
with record sleeve(s) causing an illusion."

Anyway, since I haven't decided yet, I thought you, my lovely reader(s) could vote! Shall I attempt to do:

a) Whatever People Say I Am (Arctic Monkeys)

b) State Of Mind (Holly Valance)

c) Is This It? (The Strokes)

Over to you, vote in the comments...

Destroy The Web

This is very silly:

Netdisaster

Help, help, we're doooomed: Led Handles

Goolies*

Some of these are brilliant; I was sniggering repeatedly at 'Dos Boot'. Yes, I am a geek.

b3ta : movie letter switch

* work it out!

Department Of Social Scrutiny

I rather liked this:

UK DoSS : HMRC Security Breach

Notably:

1. You should, without delay, change your date of birth. This has the added advantage of enabling you to pick a more suitable star sign than the one you already have.

and

3. Instruct your bank to write to you in invisible ink, Icelandic runes or the secret code of the Puffin Club.

The tax forms are good too (and, sadly, almost indistinguishable from the real thing...)

He's Got Form(at)

This is one of the most hilarious music videos I have ever seen:

DJ Format - We Know Something You Don't Know

(by Ruben Fleischer in case you were wondering)

Thanks for that, Chris!

f4c38o0K?

In an idle moment, I was thinking about social networking sites and how the natural progression might be from all-encompassing global phenomena to tightly controlled specifically targeted medium. As such, here are a few ideas:

fakebook: For forgers.
fadebook: For sound engineers.
facebuck: For deer (or 80s sci-fi) lovers.
facebucket: For window cleaners.
facebok: For South Africans.
facehook: For pirates.
bakebook: For breadmakers.
vasebook: For people who insist on using American pronunciation (i.e. Americans)
allyourbasebook: For lovers of old internet memes.
fastbuck: For people who have sold their social networking sites to massive faceless global conglomerates and gone to live in the Bahamas.

Anyone care to chip in?

Bah Humbug

Hurrah! It's the ever cheery Charlie Brooker and his Festive Quiz! The maths round is especially taxing :)

48,500 Handles

How much?


Before you ask, it wasn't me :)

Symphony Numero Onion

For some reason, I couldn't help but think of Antonia and her fighorn:

the vegetable orchestra

Bring on the leek violin, cucumberphone and pepper trumpet (and stop sniggering at the back...)

Table Not Found

I wonder how long they waited for their food to turn up?

Look a little closer...Oh come on, it's not that geeky...

What's That, Artoo?

Very silly.

R2D2 Translator

For example, this is "I Fought The Law", R2-stylee:

Doug. A Life In Pictures.

xkcd #353

Breakout The Bunting

I'd really like this on a T-shirt (click for bigger):

xkcd does it again *applause*

Higher! Lower! Take The Money! Open The Box!

Good grief.

'Cool Cash' card confusion

"Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards. The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a maths GCSE, said: "On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't. I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher, not lower, than -8 but I'm not having it. "

Well, you're not having your £10,000 either, duck :)

(from the Manchester Evening News)

Demento (Slight Return)

Rattled, Fergie old fruit?

Man Utd probing Arsenal 'abuse'

"Manchester United are compiling a security dossier after claims that their manager Sir Alex Ferguson was verbally abused by Arsenal fans."

You. Don't. Say.

Sheesh :)

Costume Drama

I received a lovely phishing email this morning, claiming to be from the Costumer Service Department of The NationWide UK Bank plc (sic).

Loving the idea that my bank might have an entire department dedicated to fitting staff for their lovely mauve polyester uniforms :)

Makin' Woopie*

Coo, it must be Antonia week:

Woopie* Infant Cushion Costume

Those merkins do go a bit bonkers at Hallowe'en, don't they...hang on, that lobster looks rather familiar!

* (sic) - obviously the delicious irony of that spelling error is not lost on me.

P.S. Solveig - can we get this for Freyja....nana....nana....nana....nana....

The Link's Affect*

For my fellow Obergrammarführer, Antonia:

* oh come on, I thought that was quite good...

Check One-Two

As you may have noticed, I generally leave any documentation of the progress of our offspring to Solveig; she is much better at it, being a) female and b) not addicted to puns. However, I thought I might drop into the mix here that Freyja is a mathematical genius!

OK, to clarify that slightly, she says "One....Two...." if you ask her to count for you*. But clearly, as an ex-sound engineer, this new-found skill makes me incredibly proud. I'm sure it won't be long before she is suggesting we "knock a couple of dB out at 800Hz", "pop a spoffle** on the overheads" and "make the vocals less brown".

It also reminds me of one of my favourite jokes:

Why do sound engineers only say "one, two; one, two"?
Because on 'three' they might have to lift something.

Yeah, you had to be there...

* she also says "One....Two...." if you ask her what colour a dog is but I shall gloss over that for now.

** a word allegedly invented by Hugh Laurie whilst doing an interview for BBC Radio with Stephen Fry and which has passed into common usage in the audio industry; brilliant.

Lego Of That Tray

Thanks to Duck_Bitz (long story) for alerting me to the Lego versions of Eddie Izzard routines:


Loads more here including old favourites 'Cake or Death' and 'James Bond'.

*applause*

Fry On Fame

Yes, he's at it again. You could subscribe to the feed but frankly I am almost certainly going to post in awe of his (and I quote) 'blessays' whenever they are posted, so you may as well just follow it here:

Stephen Fry: Let Fame

I did particularly enjoy, on being asked the question, "What is it like?":

‘Being famous is like wearing blue pyjamas at the opera. It’s like kissing Neil Young, but only on Wednesdays. It’s like a silver disc gummed to the ear of a wolverine. It’s like licking crumbs from the belly of a waitress called Eileen. It’s like lemon polenta cake but slightly wider. It’s like moonrise on the planet Posker.’

Very good. Of course.

First Ade

Emmanuel Adebayor has auctioned his hat-trick shirt, the one he wore in the 5-0 win against Derby, for £50,000 in an auction to raise money for leukaemia research. He really is a jolly nice chap (and he can keep scoring beauties like the one against Spurs all season long, if you don't mind, please).

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Frank Lampard has donated his shirt from last Sunday's 2-0 defeat at Manchester Utd to Shelter. A spokesman said they were "very grateful and hoped to be able to house up to fifty homeless people inside it in the very near future".

*flees*

Plat(form) Du Jour

Twist Your Arm(ando)

Just finished listening to the first in the excellent new series of Armando Iannucci's Charm Offensive:

BBC Radio 4 Comedy - Charm Offensive

Highlights were the discussion about how many ketchup sachets David Attenborough stole from the café at London Zoo ("easily more than five"), the Mastermind general knowledge round ("What is the opposite of placard?") and the Robert Ludlum novel title generator ("The Byzantium Potato").

Highly recommended (and you can listen again here)

That's A Big Ask

You look away for a second and the lead is up to...


...1,757? Declaration imminent, I'd say :)

Run? What...now?

This tickled me, from the BBC over-by-over; anyone who followed Test cricket in the early-80s will know exactly what he is on about:

1845: India 123-3
He's only scored four runs in the last ten overs; it's like watching a caned Chris Tavare.

Waitiiiiiing...................................................................................no.

Where Do You Want To Go Today?

xkcd hits the nail on the head again:

Quite.

Stay Out Of The Sun

Great mirth around some of the Arsenal blogs today as it turns out The Sun exclusive on Boca Juniors' highly-rated striker Rodrigo Palacio moving to Arsenal was entirely made up to show how easy it would be to wind up the papers. That said, he was genuinely going to move to Barcelona this summer for £15m before they went and signed Thierry - wouldn't the irony be delicious if Arsene Wenger subsequently tempted him over to fill TH14's shirt...

Turning It To, Er, Cheese

Best anagram in the world ever?

Monty Panesar = Tony Parmesan

That's grate.

I May As Well Quit

You may have noticed that I am a fan of the 'pun' post title.
But this one made me laugh out loud. You win, rotorgoat:

Follow This Link

Fuzzy Felt Fries: Slight Return

Amazing what you can find to go with your cheeseburger, isn't it:

French Fries Puppet

"French fries puppet features 4 wiggly fries with friendly faces perfect for story telling..."

Fuzzy Felt Fries?

After the plush meat, this is the obvious next level:

Interactive Cheeseburger

"This Interactive Cheeseburger plush plaything is 100% fat-free but full of fun! Activity cheeseburger teaches building skills and stimulates baby with textures, crinkle, squeaker, rattle, button, and Velcro. 5" tall."

Yes, even in his/her earliest months, your child can start practising for that McJob :)

No Direction

So Dylan you know like man just totallyyyyyyyyy.

(insert punctuation as necessary)

Onoz! Teh Spaartanz!!!111

Excellent! Your favourite worst films condensed into half a kilo of words and fully l33T h4X0r'd up for the youth by b3ta regular (and 2002 winner of some Grauniad award or something), Scaryduck:

Scaryduck: Condensed Filmz

"Princess Leia: You'll never take me alive! Oh. You have."

"Foreign: Ah hahahaha! I have got away from J. Bond with my camera-friendly l33t running-and-jumping-about sk1llz and by hiding in my country's embassy, where I am supposedly safe. ROFFLE!"

"Hooper: I'll help! I hav l33t shrk kllng sk1llz! LMAO"

Six so far, hopefully more to come - how about "The Unbearable Lightness Of Being"...

More Smoke On Camera Six

I've only recently discovered Pickard Of The Pops, a weekly column on the Guardian website in which promotional music videos of the popular genre are dissected and analysed like an unsuspecting frog in an O-level Biology practical. Laid bare, scene by scene, they really are exposed as either (a) pompous heap of overblown pretentious tosh, (b) feeble excuse for pre-watershed semi-nudity or (c) shoe-string budget gibberish made by orang-utangs on uppers. My choices, in the aforementioned categories, are:

(a) I Don't Love You
(b) Umbrella
(c) Nuff Buzzin

Enjoy (or something)...

Woof Woof

So it's splashed all over the papers that José Mourinho has been cautioned by the authorities for trying to get rid of a dog. Well I'm no Chelsea apologist, but even I think that's a bit harsh - Michael Ballack has had at least a few decent games this season...

Proper Noun (Possessive) Superlative Plural Noun

Channel 5 commissioning executive? Short of midweek ideas for the 8.30pm slot? Try Televisual Gold, Guaranteed. Yes, it's that simple. So far, personal highlights include:

Stoke Newington's Youngest Hamsters

Greenland's Prettiest Grannies

Soap's Most Patronising Vegetarians

Oh yes.

Spotted

This fantastic bit of juxtaposition by Laahdan's Eee'in Stann'ah in Moorgate the other day:


One for Private Eye, methinks...

Freyja The Jackal pt II

Following on from my recent post, I was watching the little one play happily with her maracas this morning when it suddenly dawned on me that she was in fact channelling the mighty Bez* from Happy Mondays, the 'singer' of which was of course Shaun Ryder who then went on to form Black Grape who released "It's Great When You're Straight, Yeah" which featured none other than Carlos The Jackal on its cover:

Coincidence? You decide...

* who I've just remembered we also bumped into in Ibiza airport in 2005 - when Solveig was pregnant with Freyja!

Freyja The Jackal

I'm quite sure it says in every one of those wonderful 'parenting manuals' that up there with the the worst things you can possibly do for the early development of your child is to compare him/her to a famous international assassin. So:



Nuff said.

Topgun Simmons

So I discovered the Kissing Suzy Kolber blog when it lost Best Sports Blog to Arseblog in the 2007 Bloggies awards*. Anyway, they're pretty funny, for merkins, so I bookmarked it. And now, their excellent, if somewhat near-the-knuckle, predictions for:

100 Future NFL Player Names

Particular highlights for me? Wutang Clanton, Scooter Cooter and Megatron Vampira (presumably a cross-dressing hard-running bomb-throwing base-stealing-oh-no-that's-the-other-ball-game quarterback). Pick your favourite.

* hmm, rather a lot of 'blog' in that sentence, I fear...

It's A Moo Point

(from Inkling Magazine, via kottke)

An Intelligent Designer on the Cow

"Today, I feel like doing a plant – no, an animal. Yes, today, I am going to make an animal. And it will be a masterpiece. I shall call it the.... No wait! Maybe I should think of the name later. Yes, you should always name your pieces after you have completed them. Better that way. .."