Overheard #104

I even know who this was about. Scary.

"Did you see her office? Could you smell her?"

Overheard #103

Unsurprisingly, at work, just now:

"Yes, but presumably Edgar Allan Poe never had to try and put a pie chart in his manuscript."

Overheard #102

One of our field operatives phoned this one in:

"...so is it coming out a greeney colour?"

I think we'd rather not know.

Overheard #101

This might be one of my favourites, one end of a telephone call just now:

"Your brother's birthday?"
"..."
"Oh, both brothers!"
"..."
"What do you mean, semi-identical?"

Overheard #100

My goodness, we've reached a ton of Overheards in a shade under two years. Which is approximately one a week, by sheer coincidence. Anyway, just now:

"Oh God, I'm so not bothered about Celebrity Big Brother."
*pause*
"So, who's on it?"

Overheard #99

Our database laughs in the face of so-called numerical rules:

"So you're telling me that 1 & 2 are actually 2 & 3 and 1 is now zero? OK..."

Overheard #98

Sometimes I wonder about our IT security procedures:

"So we need to switch off the two-headed dog..."

Overheard #97

The perils of ordering last-minute Christmas presents over the phone:

"Hello? Yes, I ordered a lip-gloss and you appear to have delivered me a designer beaver..."

I never heard the outcome.

Overheard #96

Getting ready for an office Christmas party:

"Are you actually wearing sector-specific cufflinks?"

Overheard(ish) #95

Now I don't normally meander from genuinely overheard-with-ears items but this was the closing line on a colleague's recently-received email which was simply too good to pass up:

"Please advise your availability so that I can send an invite aftermath."

I am genuinely scared as to what that might be.

Overheard #94

They simply couldn't resist:

"I'm off to the panto next week"

"Oh no you're not..."

Overheard #93

A meeting room in the City, mid-morning:

"Yeah, there isn't enough room on the table for a projector, due to all the croissants."

Overheard #92

Fair point:

"I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think bullshit comes in a web."

Overheard #91

A quiet Friday night in led to a confusing discussion about various actors:

"You know that chap? The hobbit. The one that plays the hobbit. The hobbity one"

Turns out in fact we were both talking about Orlando Bloom (who plays the elf).

Overheard #90

Another food-based one from earlier today:

"So how would you make a breakfast bagel , Mike?"
"Well, I'd soak them in water for three hours then throw them away."

Overheard #89

A discussion about the recent cold & wet weather led to this:

"So if you only have a small radiator in the hall, how do you get warm?"

"I have a gas fire that doesn't work in the living room."

"..."

Overheard #88

Our office is comedy gold, most days:

"Just so you know, there's a server migration in progress"
"Is that some kind of bird?"

Overheard #87

A cricket match, just south of the M25:

"Middle please."
"Sorry?"
"Er, could I have middle stump please, Umpire?"
"Yes. It's about 3 feet to your left."

And that's for Dave, who subsequently bowled like a demon and nearly got a hat-trick (your fault, Lewis...)

Overheard #86

In the car, earlier today:

"I don't trust the French, with their ... hats."

Overheard #85

Sunday afternoon question time:

"I see the Cath Kidston collection is building up."
"Actually, one of them's Laura Ashley"
"..."

Overheard #84

Yes, it was as weird as it sounds:

"No, it's too reflective; I'm going to have to move your grapes."

Overheard #83

The epitomy of restraint:

"I don't really like Krispy Kreme donuts. Apart from the plain ones. With the icing"

Overheard #82

Some workplace frustration being exhibited here, methinks:

"If they don't know the difference between "the same" and "different" then I'm afraid I can't help them"

Overheard #81

Awesome #BGT overheard just now:

"Come on, Susan Boyle's on next..."
"...I've just got to watch these potatoes."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, sums up the state of Saturday night television.

Overheard #80

This just in from one of our ever-vigilant field operatives:

"One woman's potato sack is another man's goddess…"

Overheard #79

Regarding shoes:

"I can't wear those; I'd look like a middle-aged goth at a barbecue"

Overheard #78

This is funny to exactly three people:

"Oh no, it's Buemi!"

Overheard #77

Hitting you up with multiple Overheards today, from a small gathering in SE London last night:

"Yeah, we had to bin off all the girls..."

"I had pizza for breakfast and everything tasted sour for three days."

"Oh god, it's the Christopher Reeve of websites."

Overheard #76

One of our analysts got a bit chippy this morning:

It's not 'wind', it's Value Added Comment

Overheard #75

Parenting 101:

"That chicken is to eat, not to run your bus over."

Overheard #74

Straight out of a sit-com? No, this was literally just now here at Arbuthnot Towers, in a discussion about who was going to go out for breakfast:

Go on, I'll have a fried egg baguette with two eggs, but no ketchup - I've got the gym.

Overheard #73

They should really stop putting LSD in our water cooler:

Ah, this the the same problem we had the other day, but in a completely different way. You see, there are no actual years.

Overheard #72

Walking past a desk at work, this snippet:

"...and I think you'll find that radio is less of a visual medium..."

Overheard #71

(Not technically 'overheard' as it was addressed to me personally, but too good not to share...)

Meeting my family off the plane from Dubai after their 10-day break; a period in which I took it upon myself to attempt to grow a beard, as one might. Out of the baggage reclaim area they come, blinking in the uber-bright all-glass Heathrow Terminal 5 sunlight. Freyja sees me and runs over to give me a hug with the following greeting:

"Hello, Daddy! Have you had your face painted?"

Classic.

Overheard #70

In response to a breakfast conversation:

"Oh, that would be hideous. Like a Marmite clown."

Overheard #69

The workplace can do odd things to people:

You sound strange. Like you're calling from inside a small dog.

Overheard #68

Casually following the live broadcast of the Brit Awards, shortly after a young Welsh female soul singer has been introduced and is about to perform her major hit:

So who are 'Toffee' then?

I am still clearing wine off the wall.

Overheard #67

This was the tail end of a mobile phone conversation:

"...as they gently drive more and more of their cars into the sea."

I never found out the context.

Overheard #66

I couldn't help overhearing this, directed as it was, at me, just now:

You do have quite an epic head.

Cheek.

Overheard #65

In a lunchtime discussion about common names:

"So did you get any interesting email?"

"Yes, I got one from the King Of Belgium"

Overheard #64

"My computer seems to be running slow. Maybe I don't have enough gigarams?"

Almost certainly true.

Overheard #63

"That kebab looked nice, where was it from?"
"A lamb."

Absolutely ROFL.

Overheard #62

It's so so true:

This Oyster card holder just smells of privilege and entitlement.

Overheard #61

It's true, you know:

Everybody likes pork pies, except women.

Overheard #60

Another one from work, I felt it was a bit early in the morning for naval gazing:

"Yes, corporate broking - it's all about the sailors."

In so many ways :)

Overheard #59

Not technically an overheard, as I read it. Overread? Anyway, it's too good not to share (and my blog so my rules :)

"Don't flatter youself that munching chicken salad in the Ivy with the cast of Holby City makes you St Francis of Assisi."

Overheard #58

I forget the context, but we were in Brighton:

"It was like a slightly hoarse goth. Or a slightly goth horse.

Overheard #57

Eh?

So I asked her, "How many glowsticks would you need to make a necklace?"

Overheard #56

All similes, all the time:

I was drawn to it like a moth to a drum solo.

Overheard #55

This just in by pigeon from our North of England correspondent:

"What's five pounds in Swedish Francs?"

Overheard #54

Ah, religion.

"I think my mother thought she could pray it out of me..."

Overheard #53

So we're quite busy at work:

Yes, I had a look this morning at a time before I'd finished doing it yesterday.

Overheard #52

I forget which of my field operatives reported this, but thanks!

Scene 1. A high-street shop: interior, daytime

"So what is it we've come in here for that we don't want?"

Overheard #51

I was about to say that:

Of course, in Brazilian logic contradictions are not necessarily false.

Overheard #50

A suitable way to bring up the half-century...

"If I'm honest, I really don't think we should be encouraging people to take short trading positions on our cricket club Christmas dinner..."

Overheard #49

I'm still trying to work out the logic on this one:

It still would have been after you'd left, even if you'd left later, which you didn't.

Overheard #48

Nice comeback.

"Your input would be appreciated."
"Well, I've heard better chat-up lines but...."

Overheard #47

Coo, it's been a while; I don't have an excuse (my ears have been at the dry cleaners?)

"...so they need to go up to the Fifth Floor for a scope around."
"Scope around?"
"Scope around!"
"Scope up, scope up and get down..."

You had to be there. No, you really did.

Overheard #46

Tales from the bleeding edge of nu meejah:

"He is basically the world's most unanimated Flash developer."

Overheard #45

What goes in Vegas, stays in Vegas:

"So Mindy? If I'm standing, I'm drinking..."

Overheard #44

An impromptu sports day, possibly on the South Coast:

"Come on fatty, hurry up and start jumping!"

Overheard #43

OK, so this was 'overheard' off The Apprentice (S4:E9), but it was just too good:

"It's quite an emotive piece, which you can't replicate when you're in a people carrier."

Overheard #42

The summer weather brings all sorts of other issues:

Turns out the trouble was that I was nippling my iPhone.

Overheard #41

Part of a heated discussion regarding the re-branding of equity research templates:

The fundamental problem we have is that you're not allowed to tamper with the cat's arse.

Obviously.

Overheard #40

Local pub or local butcher? You decide...

I don't have a problem with the killing, it's the sawdust...

Overheard #39

In a discussion about birthday drinks:

Yes, well obviously that's backscatter diffraction...

I know, I know.

Overheard #38

After a month's hiatus, we're back with this from the kitchen table:

It's not 'Ally McBeal' just because it's got that woman in it...

Overheard #37

And so to picturesque Hertford and its dictionary/mammal dichotomy:

"You can't go wrong with an aardvark."

Overheard #36

One from this morning which left me chuckling gently:

"Ah, crisps - the breakfast of champions!"

Overheard #35

A kitchen in North London:

"He'll probably stagger home with someone dressed as a large Brie."
"You'd better watch out; they'll be after a fromage á trois..."

*applause*

Overheard #34

Great idea for a fledgling startup:

Yes, so I reckon we're looking to tap into the WWII veterans / open-source mobile phone crossover market...

Overheard #33

Saturday afternoon, a pub in SE6, close proximity to the wobbly pool table:

Hey, why have you got that spanner in your pocket?
Oh, that's in case I need to tighten my nuts.

Overheard #NYE

Happy New Year to you too.

Am I Brian from Westlife?
I'd pay good money for a glitterball Death Star.
To be honest, I'd rather have Gary.
I am enjoying some cheese - for once in my life, without being hassled.

Overheard #32

This may have been about the recent fluctuations in the FTSE or the price of beer at the Rack & Tenter. I forget. Anyway:

It's been up and down like a euphemism.

Overheard #31

Via our Yorkshire branch, to whom a great many thanks are due for this beauty:

"Becky, how many days in May?"
"May next year?"

Overheard #30

Apparently, this was at a family dinner:

I quite like the diminutive walrus though.

I don't think it has anything to do with Ianklych.

Overheard #29

Ahem.

There was a very good interview in the Observer with Girls Aloud. Actually, it may have been a bit frothy.

Overheard #28

To give this some context, it had been suggested that we needed to put a disclaimer on a document saying that it was most definitely not a certain other kind of document. Our noble leader piped up with:

Well, what else can it be - it's not a bloody sausage roll.

I'm still (inwardly) chuckling.

Overheard #27

Who said City boys are incapable of meaningful relationships:

Right, I'm going to spend more time with my synthetic woman.

Overheard #26

Pseuds corner:

So yes, I recognised the bells in that track, rather than any implied contrapuntality.

Overheard #25

Allegedly referring to one of the directors of a FTSE-listed company:

"At Eton they used to call him 'Circus Boy' but he cries if you say it to him now."

Overheard #24

It's a difficult life, being a chap:

"I have to leave by 6.30, I'm picking up my shooting trousers. I do draw the line at plus-fours, however."

Overheard #23

A corker, you couldn't make it up.

"I'm off next week as I have to go to the deaf clinic - not that I'm telling them that; I'll never hear the end of it..."

Overheard #22

Topical.

"I thought the banks crisis was really getting worse when I walked past Nationwide and saw a huge queue gathering outside. Then I realised that they weren't open yet.

Overheard #21

"Yeah, the chips don't lie, they just make it worse"

I know. Bizarre on so many levels.

Overheard #20

Just now. Coffee -> monitor.

"Outnumbered - isn't that the one that's like 'CSI'?
Er, no, it's got Hugh Dennis in it..."

Overheard #19

A short hop back over the pond, to the workplace once again:

"I'm getting no love from those people. They bring me this stuff; you can't drink algae. It's like some funk from Russia, or something."

*taps side of head*

Overheard #18, y'all, etc

This just in from our ever-vigilant, State-side roving reporter, Victoria Q. Sponge:

"I am NOT doing that again. One, it's gross and two, my legs are killing me."

Overheard #17

Friday. A City hostelry in EC2. Roughly around lunchtime (somewhere between 11 and 3)

"Yes - and I've never ridden a dog, either."

FACT.

Overheard #16 (back on track now)

Straight from the badlands of Hertford:

"Fetch the aardvark!"

Overheard #14 (yes, I missed one)

Another from our spies in the field (surely "on the train" - Transport Ed.) and a beauty:

"It's £160 a week. And they wear helmets."

Overheard #15

"That's because minus six is the number there aren't."

(So how many actually are there?)

Overheard #13

An absolute classic - in my office, lunchtime today:

"Ah, I know what it is, I've just bought a field"

Overheard #12

This just in, actually uttered by that-guy-on-the-Crystal-Palace-train:

"I can't have an animal in the place. It's bad enough having a smoker, I can't add a ferret."

Overheard #11

A double-whammy today, both on the same day from the same person:

"I was going to watch my Pink Panther box set - but then I remembered it had been stolen."

"It's still the most eloquent book written on the Seven Years War - except for my thesis."

Nice.

Overheard #10

Sat behind two nylon-clad baboons on the 43 bus to London Bridge, I chanced upon this gem.

Number #10:

"Twenty minutes every day? But that's like *thinks* an hour a week..."

Overheard #9

A submission from one of our many spies in the field on this occasion.

Number #9:

"...and then she hit me over the head with half a bottle of champagne."

Entendu #8

Et voilà! Un autre pépite des expressions qui ont aléatoirement attrapé mon attention récemment.

Numéro #8:

"Ne mettez pas ce cygne dans votre oreille."

Overheard #7

You guessed it, here's another random phrase which has obliquely caught my attention of late.

Number #7:

"Now you know how I feel about potatoes..."

Overheard #6

As if by magic, a nugget from the phrases which have randomly caught my attention of late.

Number #6:

"I wonder whether his arm has finished loading yet?"