Overheard #103

Unsurprisingly, at work, just now:

"Yes, but presumably Edgar Allan Poe never had to try and put a pie chart in his manuscript."

At Home With Fourstar

My good friend Alex recently posted the following question over at his blog:

What is your favorite "at home" phrase?

and it led me to think about the nonsense I spout on a semi-daily basis. Now I have distinctly different "at home" and "at work" phrases (as should everyone...) but for the purposes of this exercise, there is one Pharaoh of phrases, an Excalibur of exclamations, the Prince of proclamations, which is:

"Everyone's a winner, petit dejeuner"

Back in the heady days when I used to play sax in a touring soul covers band, we shared the stage with two of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. Tony (trombone) and Shaun (guitar) had known each other for years and had such a natural rapport they could easily have been working the clubs as a double act. They would have the tour bus in stitches at their tales of derring do and natural affinity for the absurd, which lifted the spirits of those humour-sapping drives across, say, for example, to pick somewhere totally at random, Lincolnshire.

However, whenever something went particularly well (which could be anything ranging from a well-paid gig in Dublin to a delicious sausage roll from a Sunderland truckstop), without fail Shaun would exclaim "Everyone's a winner!" always followed closely by Tony's rejoinder of "Petit dejeuner!".

Now quite why a French breakfast should be the epitome of delight for two jobbing musicians from York, I have no idea - and I'm not sure they did either. However, it stuck with me and to this day, when something goes well at work or at home, this is the line I come out with.

All That Jazz

Our team Christmas lunch this year was at Ronnie Scott's jazz club, where you can enjoy an afternoon of food and wine accompanied by sets from three different performers (credit to Dei, our editor, for this inspired idea!) We heard a piano trio, then a great tenor saxophonist and finally a female vocalist, who really whipped the audience up into a festive frenzy, especially with her versions of classic Christmas numbers done in the musical style of the audience's choosing (the dub reggae 'Silent Night' was hilarious). It was a pretty tremendous way to spend an afternoon.

However, part of the deal is that everyone joins in for a big number at the end on kazoos (nicely laid out with the cutlery at each place setting). This was great fun, but even better was when they asked for volunteers to come up for a jam on the famous Ronnie Scott's stage, which has been graced by innumerable all-star names from the music world, past and present.

I didn't need asking twice, but I did let Jeremy go first for a microphone level test; old habits die hard. What's that? Is there a recording of this spectacular event? I thought you'd never ask:

And massive thanks to Alex for his off-the-cuff iPhone camerawork :)

Overheard #99

Our database laughs in the face of so-called numerical rules:

"So you're telling me that 1 & 2 are actually 2 & 3 and 1 is now zero? OK..."

Overheard #98

Sometimes I wonder about our IT security procedures:

"So we need to switch off the two-headed dog..."

Overheard #97

The perils of ordering last-minute Christmas presents over the phone:

"Hello? Yes, I ordered a lip-gloss and you appear to have delivered me a designer beaver..."

I never heard the outcome.

Overheard #96

Getting ready for an office Christmas party:

"Are you actually wearing sector-specific cufflinks?"

Overheard(ish) #95

Now I don't normally meander from genuinely overheard-with-ears items but this was the closing line on a colleague's recently-received email which was simply too good to pass up:

"Please advise your availability so that I can send an invite aftermath."

I am genuinely scared as to what that might be.

Overheard #94

They simply couldn't resist:

"I'm off to the panto next week"

"Oh no you're not..."

Overheard #93

A meeting room in the City, mid-morning:

"Yeah, there isn't enough room on the table for a projector, due to all the croissants."

Overheard #92

Fair point:

"I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think bullshit comes in a web."

Pednatic To A Fault

I have a new favourite Wikipedia page (thanks, Doug)

Muphry's law

Muphry's Law also dictates that, if a mistake is as plain as the nose on your face, everyone can see it but you. Your readers will always notice errors in a title, in headings, in the first paragraph of anything, and in the top lines of a new page. These are the very places where authors, editors and proofreaders are most likely to make mistakes.

You've Been Jugged

As I popped out for a bite to eat this morning, a smartly-dressed young man with exotic sideburns stopped me in the street, asked if I was Jewish and, confusingly, waved a lemon in my face.

Do I look like I am a) Jewish or b) riddled with scurvy or c) both? And what would you call the Jewish version of a chugger - a Jugger?

Obviously, I was tempted to grab his hand and shout 'Ken!' to find out more, but I was in desperate need of a bacon sandwich.

Weird.

Overheard #90

Another food-based one from earlier today:

"So how would you make a breakfast bagel , Mike?"
"Well, I'd soak them in water for three hours then throw them away."

Overheard #89

A discussion about the recent cold & wet weather led to this:

"So if you only have a small radiator in the hall, how do you get warm?"

"I have a gas fire that doesn't work in the living room."

"..."

Overheard #88

Our office is comedy gold, most days:

"Just so you know, there's a server migration in progress"
"Is that some kind of bird?"

Overheard #84

Yes, it was as weird as it sounds:

"No, it's too reflective; I'm going to have to move your grapes."

Overheard #83

The epitomy of restraint:

"I don't really like Krispy Kreme donuts. Apart from the plain ones. With the icing"

Overheard #82

Some workplace frustration being exhibited here, methinks:

"If they don't know the difference between "the same" and "different" then I'm afraid I can't help them"

Overheard #76

One of our analysts got a bit chippy this morning:

It's not 'wind', it's Value Added Comment

Overheard #74

Straight out of a sit-com? No, this was literally just now here at Arbuthnot Towers, in a discussion about who was going to go out for breakfast:

Go on, I'll have a fried egg baguette with two eggs, but no ketchup - I've got the gym.

Overheard #73

They should really stop putting LSD in our water cooler:

Ah, this the the same problem we had the other day, but in a completely different way. You see, there are no actual years.

Overheard #72

Walking past a desk at work, this snippet:

"...and I think you'll find that radio is less of a visual medium..."

Protesting Times

Curiously looking forward to the G20 protests tomorrow.

Unfortunately, given that my colleagues and I start work at 7.00am, we will have already contributed half a day's work/tax to the economy by the time the protesters drag themselves out of their yurts and gather at Moorgate/Bank around 11.00am to make a bit of a nuisance of themselves.

Well, good luck with that; I've got a meeting...

Fame At Last

It's happened. I have been carefully selected for a highly-prized invitation to the social network du jour that you don't choose to join. That's right - I'm on Google Street View! Well, my legs are, the rest of me is hidden behind a bloody road-sign. Proof, you say? Here you go:

(click to enlarge)

That's Alex alongside, by the way, and it looks like we were headed for EAT so it may have been a Friday pie-day.

Anyway, I'd like to thank each one of you for your help and support over the years and reassure everyone that I won't forget you when the millions start rolling in and I buy one of the Cayman Islands to live on.

Overheard #70

In response to a breakfast conversation:

"Oh, that would be hideous. Like a Marmite clown."

Morning Has Broken

Today was the first day this year that I have awoken, showered, dressed and left the house to get my train all in some kind of actual morning daylight. Added to which, the first track that came on when I plugged in my headphones was this, which is beautiful (and given that I was about to get on a train in the light for the first time in months, somewhat apt).



Vector Lovers - 'Metrolux Forever'

Overheard #69

The workplace can do odd things to people:

You sound strange. Like you're calling from inside a small dog.

Overheard #67

This was the tail end of a mobile phone conversation:

"...as they gently drive more and more of their cars into the sea."

I never found out the context.

Overheard #66

I couldn't help overhearing this, directed as it was, at me, just now:

You do have quite an epic head.

Cheek.

Overheard #65

In a lunchtime discussion about common names:

"So did you get any interesting email?"

"Yes, I got one from the King Of Belgium"

Overheard #64

"My computer seems to be running slow. Maybe I don't have enough gigarams?"

Almost certainly true.

Change 28

Today's change was yoghurt, instead of granola, for breakfast. Our local Pret has said it is stopping its granola offering shortly (the fools) and it has been in increasingly short supply all week. Still, yoghurt clearly still counts as 'gloop' so my January resolution* is still intact. Two more days and counting...

* my trademarked and patented Soup 'n' Gloop diet, in case you were wondering.

Change 26

Today's change was a last-minute invitation to lunch with one of our vendors, which was rather nice. There's a lot of it about at the moment; anyone would think they were the teensiest bit worried about the threat of major cost-saving contract negotiations amongst City brokerage institutions...

Overheard #63

"That kebab looked nice, where was it from?"
"A lamb."

Absolutely ROFL.

Bin Done Before

This message box always gives me the soft, warm glow of recursive madness:

Do you have a favourite Microsoft message box? Why not keep that to yourself, they might send the men in white coats round (again).

And yes, that is Office 2002.

Yes, seven years ago.

I know, you'd think, wouldn't you?

Yes, in the thrusting financial centre of the City and everything.

But no, apparently not.

Change 15

Today's change was actually rather a lot of changes, to an Excel VBA app which runs one of our client reports. You see, the original author rather forgot about the inexorable march of time itself, and hard coded all the annual data, thus ruining my day when I realised and had to amend all the references to 2008. Alex knows my pain...

(Could be worse; could have been socks again :)

Change 12

Today's change was a breakfast-based one. My usual Granola (with hot milk) was accidentally swapped for Oat & Granola. Which was basically like porridge. And I really hate porridge :(

Change 08

Today's change was Jeremy moving desks to opposite me at work. Now I can't see the equity analysts any more. Actually, this may not be a bad thing...

Overheard #62

It's so so true:

This Oyster card holder just smells of privilege and entitlement.

Overheard #61

It's true, you know:

Everybody likes pork pies, except women.

Your Office Needs These

FAIL/WIN Stamps

Never let another FAIL or WIN go by unannounced in your world. Get this set of two self-inking stamps, one FAIL and one WIN. FAIL stamp is in bright red, WIN stamp is in black, both print in solid, all-caps Impact font. Both stamps are commercial, office-grade that require no ink pad and are good for hundreds of stampings (go wild!). Stamps print with a BY: and a DATE: field to show just who noticed this FAIL and WIN. Makes a satisfactory "ka-ching" noise when stamped. Each stamp produces an imprint 1.5 inches wide and 0.6 inch tall.

Overheard #60

Another one from work, I felt it was a bit early in the morning for naval gazing:

"Yes, corporate broking - it's all about the sailors."

In so many ways :)

Overheard #56

All similes, all the time:

I was drawn to it like a moth to a drum solo.

Overheard #54

Ah, religion.

"I think my mother thought she could pray it out of me..."

Overheard #53

So we're quite busy at work:

Yes, I had a look this morning at a time before I'd finished doing it yesterday.

Overheard #50

A suitable way to bring up the half-century...

"If I'm honest, I really don't think we should be encouraging people to take short trading positions on our cricket club Christmas dinner..."

Overheard #49

I'm still trying to work out the logic on this one:

It still would have been after you'd left, even if you'd left later, which you didn't.

Overheard #47

Coo, it's been a while; I don't have an excuse (my ears have been at the dry cleaners?)

"...so they need to go up to the Fifth Floor for a scope around."
"Scope around?"
"Scope around!"
"Scope up, scope up and get down..."

You had to be there. No, you really did.

Overheard #39

In a discussion about birthday drinks:

Yes, well obviously that's backscatter diffraction...

I know, I know.

Overheard #36

One from this morning which left me chuckling gently:

"Ah, crisps - the breakfast of champions!"

Ready...Set...Unravel

So I reckon my extensive sound engineering experience puts me in the running for this:

speedcabling
"CAT-5 Ethernet cables are to be used. Contestants may use any cable they wish, as long as it is capable of carrying 100Mb/s prior to competition. During competition, the colors red, blue, and yellow are used for the 7, 15, and 25 foot cables resepectively."

Although I'd have a definite advantage if it was untangling a 500m run of 24-pair multicore running round the battlements of a medieval castle in Romania at 3 in the morning. Done that.

Overheard #34

Great idea for a fledgling startup:

Yes, so I reckon we're looking to tap into the WWII veterans / open-source mobile phone crossover market...

Christmas Eve At The Coalface

It's been a busy old morning.



So anyway, this is me wishing a very Merry Christmas to all my fellow bloggers and (both) my readers. Have a good one, whatever you are doing. And here's to a fruitful 2008...

Overheard #32

This may have been about the recent fluctuations in the FTSE or the price of beer at the Rack & Tenter. I forget. Anyway:

It's been up and down like a euphemism.

Pardon?

I am officially old.

Yesterday I went for a 'business lunch' with a colleague and, once seated at our table, felt the need to ask the staff to turn the music down. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Time was when a mere high-street hostelry could not have dreamed of matching my decibel capacity but here I am, the wrong side of 35 and heading towards the Ovaltine and comfy slippers. It's a sad, sad day indeed.

Those of you who saw Probemeister rocking the (sadly-missed) Arts Centre in York with an aural onslaught of thundering beats and analogue synths will remember remarking, "There goes a chap who'll never be defeated by a slightly intrusive blast of KT Tunstall of a lunchtime and no mistake" but I fear I have let you all down. I can only beg for forgiveness (quietly).

Waitress: "Can I get you gentlemen something to drink?"
Me: "Look, I can't hear a single word you're saying; can you possibly turn this dreadful racket down a bit?"
Waitress: "A Malibu & dry ginger, a pint of snakebite and a pair of Campari shooters?"
Me: "Yes, but can we have one with mash?"
Waitress: "No, it's the last door on the left, can't miss it."

Overheard #28

To give this some context, it had been suggested that we needed to put a disclaimer on a document saying that it was most definitely not a certain other kind of document. Our noble leader piped up with:

Well, what else can it be - it's not a bloody sausage roll.

I'm still (inwardly) chuckling.

Overheard #27

Who said City boys are incapable of meaningful relationships:

Right, I'm going to spend more time with my synthetic woman.

Check One-Two

As you may have noticed, I generally leave any documentation of the progress of our offspring to Solveig; she is much better at it, being a) female and b) not addicted to puns. However, I thought I might drop into the mix here that Freyja is a mathematical genius!

OK, to clarify that slightly, she says "One....Two...." if you ask her to count for you*. But clearly, as an ex-sound engineer, this new-found skill makes me incredibly proud. I'm sure it won't be long before she is suggesting we "knock a couple of dB out at 800Hz", "pop a spoffle** on the overheads" and "make the vocals less brown".

It also reminds me of one of my favourite jokes:

Why do sound engineers only say "one, two; one, two"?
Because on 'three' they might have to lift something.

Yeah, you had to be there...

* she also says "One....Two...." if you ask her what colour a dog is but I shall gloss over that for now.

** a word allegedly invented by Hugh Laurie whilst doing an interview for BBC Radio with Stephen Fry and which has passed into common usage in the audio industry; brilliant.

Overheard #24

It's a difficult life, being a chap:

"I have to leave by 6.30, I'm picking up my shooting trousers. I do draw the line at plus-fours, however."

Overheard #22

Topical.

"I thought the banks crisis was really getting worse when I walked past Nationwide and saw a huge queue gathering outside. Then I realised that they weren't open yet.

Office Face

I cut myself shaving yesterday.

(Normally, I imagine that would be up there with "What I had for lunch..." and "So I joined Facebook..." as the first line of a blog post guaranteed to make even the most turgid of readers run a country mile. But please bear with me.)

As it happens, it was quite a nasty nick; over an inch in length, tapered from top to bottom and prominently displayed to the left of my philtrum (you can look it up). It looked as if I had either:

a) had some sort of late-night kebab-shop battle over the last chicken shish;
b) got into an argument with a (slightly half-hearted) Chelsea Headhunter;
c) tried to shift a lengthily-clawed, somewhat-annoyed cat from the sofa; or
d) cut myself shaving.

And do you know what? Not one person at work commented on it in the entire day. Not a single analyst at the 7am morning meeting. Nobody in sales or trading when I was sorting out their conferencing. Nothing from I.T. when I was testing my new PC upstairs. Not even the lugubrious PL and CJ at lunchtime in the Rack & Tenter. None of the normally chatty backoffice team when we were discussing the crazy world of client codes. Not Dei. Not Alex. Nobody.

Now these are people who can generally be relied upon to pounce on the slightest change in haircut and render the owner speechless with a tirade of lighthearted abuse. Similarly, the introduction of a 'jazzy' shirt into the work wardrobe will often be met with wide-eyed mirth and the general donning of sunglasses. I can only assume that they think I live such an exciting life that random facial injuries are deemed to be par for the course.

Almost certainly, though, they didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I am clearly an utter buffoon who can't even be trusted to scrape the dead hair off his chin without carving himself to ribbons :)

Overheard #15

"That's because minus six is the number there aren't."

(So how many actually are there?)

Overheard #13

An absolute classic - in my office, lunchtime today:

"Ah, I know what it is, I've just bought a field"

Run Forrest (Hill) Run

In a weak moment, I managed to somehow agree to sign up for the Arbuthnot Securities team to enter the 5km (3.5 mile) JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge. So, eight weeks to get up to optimum fitness (although more pressing might be to purchase some suitable running shoes...) Anyway, one of my team members pointed me at Gmaps Pedometer, a Google Maps mashup which allows you to put in a route with various marker points and it calculates the distance run/walked/staggered. And this is my training route:

Gmaps Pedometer :: SE23 :: 3.7 miles

Wish me luck...